I have a dream

I have a dream that one day my children will live in a nation where they are not judged by the automobile that they own, but by the content of their character.

Unless they buy a shit car.  Then I will disown their sorry asses.

I’ve been on the road a lot lately with the recent holidays and long weekends, and my journeys have inspired me to generate a compilation of the cars that will make me forever yearn for a red turtle shell.

The Ford Fiesta

This is not only one of the stupidest looking cars on the roads, but it also may take the award for most absurd model name.  Which demographic is the Fiesta supposed to be directed at?  This car does not invoke images of fun and happy Mexicans as its moniker may suggest.  Instead, it makes you sad and lonely because nobody loves or wants to be friends with somebody who drives one of these shitsicles.

The Chrysler PT Cruiser Fake Wood Panel Siding edition

I don’t think Walter Jr. understood how much worse it could have been…

As if Breaking Bad didn’t do enough PR damage to the PT Cruiser, Chrysler has these shart stains terrorizing the roadways.  I just don’t know why you want your car to look wooden.  Cars aren’t supposed to be made of wood.  My guess is that a wooden car would not be very practical.  Or safe.  Or aesthetically pleasing.  Believe it or not, I actually once encountered one of these in mustard yellow.  Let that sink in.

The former police car turned hooptie

In honor of MLK day, I will refrain from making any socioeconomically or racially disparaging comments about the people you typically see driving these things.  It’s like some people just can’t stay out of them.  Well there went that.

The pickup truck

I do understand the occasional necessity to haul shit around.  But I just don’t understand these shiny ass, brand new F350s I see roaming about suburbia.  If you need something to tote your, say fake wooden siding for your PT Cruiser, I’d suggest a beater.  The whole glamour/rugged pick-up truck juxtaposition just seems so…paradoxical.  But don’t tell that to everyone who bought a Yodge because of Ron Burgundy.

The Miata

My recent debacle in the snow with my Z was a harsh reminder of the practical sacrifices one must make to drive a sports car.  But for a 150 hp 1.8 L engine?  I think not.  Additionally, it is a little known fact that nobody has ever survived a crash in one of these shit-mobiles.

Anything that has a spoiler that shouldn’t have a spoiler

A sedan with a spoiler is like an old lady in a bikini.

It is said that spoilers on front wheel drive cars are useless because they are used to create down force on the drive tires.  I don’t know enough about physics nor care enough at the moment to accept or refute that.  One thing that I do know is that J-Roc and the Trailer Park Boys could probably build you a sweet wooden spoiler for that PT Cruiser of yours.

The flame motif

Speaking of the PT loser, it makes a return to the list, showing off this kick-ass flame job, which is not necessarily limited to the cruiser, but why not pile on as much as possible?  Like this car goes so fast that it catches on fire.  I mean, that is a good thing right?  What kind of person drives something like this?  Oh wait I remember.  An idiot.

The douchebag car

Can you envision it just from title?  The spoiler and tinted windows.  Low to the ground like a roomba.  Accelerates unnecessarily fast between stop lights in congested areas.  The douchewagon almost always comes equipped with a dude in a flat-brimmed hat with lots of tatoos.  Something about drifting? Yawn…

The bumper sticker car

You’re better off keeping your one sentence solutions to wealth inequality and third world famine to yourself.  When I’m sitting behind you in traffic, I already hate you by default for dicking around on your cell phone and braking too often.  The last thing I need is to be further outraged by your contradicting, bullshit opinions.

The horn blower

These cars must be defective or something.  Every so often, when a red light changes to green, some car in line will honk for like 5 seconds. I think it has something to do with electromagnetic fields from the traffic signal or something.  And then sometimes while I’m trying to sleep, I’ll hear one repeating incessantly in the parking lot just outside my window.  I often find myself worried that the car may be in trouble, but nobody seems to care much about it.  Eventually the battery just dies I suppose.

I have a dream that one day we can unite to rid the world of these inane automobiles.

I have a dream that red turtle shells exist.

M

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